Random Access Memories

For decades now I’ve been trying to fill the social hole in my existence. I’ve spent years of my life and tens of thousands of dollars on trying to do things or plan things that I think people might join me in.

And every single one of them has been a complete failure.

Winners never quit, quitters never win, but those that never win and never quit are just stupid.

Lately I’ve been coming to a realization.

I’m in the middle of a war, with two clearly defined sides.

I didn’t choose to be part of this war, but i’ve been in the middle of it my whole life.

One side considers me the enemy. The cause of all their troubles in the world. I don’t “wear the uniform” or “sing the anthem”, but I’m still clearly labeled.

The other side views me as a traitor. I abandoned the cause. I was weak, didn’t do what they expected of me. I violated a code I never agreed to accept as my own. As such I’m labeled by them as well.

So I find myself walking in “no man’s land” between the two sides.

No “homeland” to return to unless I renounce my reason, no opposing lands to call my own because they refuse to accept me.

I’m tired of fighting.

So incredibly tired.

I just want to take off my armor and be done with it.

My only solution is to run away. Far away… I am finally in a position where I can leave the fighting. I can search for someplace there is no battle raging, no hatred shouting, no gunfire leaving blood on the ground.

Because the alternative has only ever been to lay down on the ground in no-man’s-land, and become one more casualty of the war.

So I got an email from BofA who holds the primary credit card I use (I pay it off monthly, it’s just to get airline miles)

In part it said the following:

“Security Alert: We’re Issuing You a New Card To Help Keep Your Information Safe. We’re letting you know your card may have been part of a compromise at an undisclosed merchant.”

Oh, I see, an “undisclosed merchant”. IE. a company was compromised, but they refuse to admit whom. Always nice to NOT know what company has a security issue, right?

Sometimes, it is exceedingly annoying when you want things from the universe.

Things you might be able to have, but only if you compromise who you are.

Tonight I was at a boardgaming event. The weather was bad, there were 8 people there. I left them to play 2 4-player games. Partly because I don’t like very long games and hoped they would run their games faster with only four players. Then I would game with whoever was there.

One group left after two hours, the other was still playing their game at that time. I decided it was time to go then as well because it had started raining. One gentleman showed up in that time but immediately left.

Now, I’ve become a little less of a bitter martyr lately. So I sat and played my android games while I waited. No harm, no foul. I should note that I ended up just sitting around the week before rather than get in on a 7-person game that also took the entire evening. Perhaps this group isn’t for me. *shrug* Such is life, right?

When I left I said goodbye to the group that remained. And one of the gentleman chastised me for just sitting there. Saying that I needed to get more involved.

In other words, “You need to change who you are and how you interact if you want to play here”.

I explained that I was new, somewhat shy and didn’t like long games.

He reacted as if I was whining.

And, you know what? It pissed me off. Patience is a virtue. Imagine that, right? I sat by and waited, and somehow because nobody showed up and things have not worked out he thinks he can lecture me?

Yep, i’m male, so of course I just need to yank self-confidence out of thin air and get used to how the world functions! And somehow people think they have the right to act like they are my father if I don’t, even if i’m not complaining or even asking them for help. (Kind of like someone thin lecturing someone fat on how they should lose weight. We wouldn’t stand for that shit, why would it be acceptable to lecture me on this shit? How about a nice cup of “shut-the-fuck-up” asshole.)

Yep, I want the world to work differently. I go out and sit around and hope people talk to me. Is that a fucking crime? Is it wrong to wait for the strong assertive people to take an interest in me? Of course not. It’s not going to get results 99 times out of 100, but it’s not fucking “wrong”.

And yet, somehow, people think I can just flip a switch and be “someone else”. (Yep, take these drugs, they’ll make you someone that we want around us!”. Jesus, talk about fuckin peer pressure, right?)

I’m not taking crap from the universe anymore.

And i’m not letting people get away with this shit anymore either.